CAROLINE WEST-MEADS: Our son married without telling us
Q My eldest son and his partner, both in their late 40s, have been together for 12 years and have lived abroad for ten of those. They never wanted children and opted for an outdoor lifestyle in the sun (they now run a small adventure tour company).
My late husband and I never really warmed to his girlfriend. She was always polite but we found her rather bossy, domineering and a bit distant. However, we never said anything as we felt that she was his choice and he didn't seem to be unhappy – though they never appeared hugely affectionate.
My husband was a difficult man and, though he grudgingly agreed that their plans had worked out, he disapproved of the fact that our son hadn't followed a 'proper' career.
When my husband died suddenly two years ago, my son, who has always been kind, came home to help me sort everything out. As he was leaving to catch his flight, he dropped the bombshell that he and his partner had married three years earlier.
He said it was a spur-of-the-moment thing and no big deal – mostly a business arrangement.
But I always thought we were close and I'm devastated that we weren't there and didn't know. His siblings had no idea either. I have tried to broach it with him since, on the phone, but he complains that I make him feel guilty for not having invited us.
When my husband died suddenly two years ago, my son, who has always been kind, came home to help me sort everything out. As he was leaving to catch his flight, he dropped the bombshell that he and his partner had married three years earlier (stock image)
A Most parents would find it painful to learn in retrospect about such an important occasion in their child's life.
However, this says more about your son's feelings towards your late husband than it does about his relationship with you. Your son clearly loves you – he dropped everything to look after you when his father died and you say he is always kind.
Your husband was clearly quite harsh on his son who, I'm sure, felt the weight of his disapproval – perhaps the move abroad was partly about wanting to be at a distance from this influence. Sensing his father (and to some extent you, too) didn't approve of his choice of partner may have had some bearing on him not inviting you to their wedding. However, your doubts about her are understandable.
Sadly, it sounds as if your son has picked a partner who is similar to his father – rather domineering and quite critical. I imagine that the decision not to extend an invitation to the wedding was largely hers.
I think that your son does regret this choice, hence his feelings of guilt. But neither of you can change the past.
So tell him that you no longer mind about the wedding, but that you'd like to forge a new closeness. Perhaps ask your son if he wants to talk about his father and how difficult things were. If he starts to be able to confide in you, he will be more likely to turn to you for support if he does have any doubts about his relationship.
MY SISTER IS SEEING HER CHEATING EX AGAIN
Q Ten years ago, my younger sister's husband left her for someone else, and eventually confessed to two earlier affairs. It was heartbreaking to witness her distress (I'm ten years older and have always felt maternal towards her).
I picked up the pieces – helping with her two small children, doing her cleaning and being a shoulder to cry on. It took her a long while to get back to functioning properly. She has had relationships since but has been the one to end them.
However, she recently started being quite secretive and finally admitted that she had started seeing her ex-husband.
I am furious because I can't bear the thought of her being hurt again. She says that it is just for (amazing) sex and she's not emotionally involved. Her ex is still with the woman he left her for. How can I stop her?
A It's painful to watch someone you love walk into impending disaster. I'm sure your sister is telling you he has changed and she can cope but I bet she is secretly longing for him to admit that he made a huge mistake and she has always been the love of his life.
We both know that she is lying to herself. He hasn't changed, he is still cheating, only this time the roles have been reversed. It may even be that revenge on the other woman is part of your sister's motive (subconscious or otherwise).
After the initial excitement of having him back has died down, she could well find her feelings have also died because of what he put her through.
I understand your anger, but try not to show it. Continue to listen and keep pointing out to her gently how much he hurt her. Direct her towards counselling, too, if you can.
